I want to write but I’m not even sure how to start. My brain is not in a good-enoguh place ot make much sense. I’m frustrated. And I can’t tell how much of this is just my mood or real, honest frustration.
This is the kind of post I wuld keep to myself, but… I think it’s important to post so that others who see my blog don’t feel so alone. Hey, we all feel this way. So I’ll make it public.
First off, yesterday I felt.. really good! It was just a simple not-sick feeling that is pretty rare. I had enough energy to take a bath in the middle o the day. :) But I was also really, really moody, and I had a lot of random derealization. I don’t know why I bother to say “I’ve lost track of my bartonella flares” because every time I announce it, it’s like they hear me, and remind me. I was irrationally angry (and this was after finding peace with whatever issues had actually been on my mind!) and volatile for no good reason. My feet really hurt, particularly my right one. I had stabbing head pains. But no fever yesterday!
Perhaps I’ve been spoiled by how well I’ve been feeling. I felt really good when I recovered from the hospital in March. Then I entered three weeks of feeling horrid in April… Then I came out of it by May. Then the end of May come around and I started to feel horrid again.
Yesterday wast he end of my Lyme flare; my headache was compeltely gone and again, I felt good. Today has been the opposite. I was so out of breath for about three hours. It was scary. It wasn’t “air hunger.” If I had my oxygen I would have used it, and I think I needed it, because I fell asleep like I used to a long time ago when I was unware of the infections an dI couldn’t stay awake so I’d slip into this involuntary semi-coma because of my O2 levels dropping. Trying to move only made me further out of breath. I had not taken anything unusual, nor eaten a big meal. When I woke up, the “spell” had passed, and I’m not having nay trouble breathing otherwise. I’ve no idea what it was. It started at about 3pm and lasted until I woke up at 6pm. I’ve been in bed all day, too generally out of breath to stay upright.
I just hate being in this limbo and not knowing why, because then it becomes impossibel to figure out if it’s something I’m doing or something inward that I have no control over. I supposed the best I can do is just to do whatever I can correctly, and chalk the rest up to my body being my body… Perhaps I just got a little too excited with my last improvements, that things were going to keep being like that. I don’ tknow, maybe they still will…