Letting go of society’s expectations, symptom recaps, and improvement with bartonella.

Despite the fact that my brain has been functioning a lot better recently, I haven’t much felt like updating. Completely the opposite of several weeks back, when I couldn’t think to save my soul but desperately had things to say! I’m learning a new language, so most of my spare brain energy has been going into that. It will also help me decide if I may be able to attempt finishing my degree come next August. If I cannot, however, I think I’d be okay with just letting it go. Afterall, I do have at least one degree–even if it’s not what I set out for–and my health is too precious to waste on going to university to finish a degree I may never be able to use, and which may worsen me trying to complete.
I have fought too hard to get to this point, and I don’t want what society says I should be doing to dictate what would actually be best for me. If I do reach the point where I am finally stable, then I would love to try and finish and become a researcher, or at the very least, a counselor. But that would take a lot of trust in the fact that I’d still be stable and healthy enough to actually do those things after my degree was finished. If I never again become that well, wouldn’t it be better to attempt some type of small job with the degree I already have, than use up everything I’ve gained in pursuit of something that won’t do me any good? But even that would require more health than making sure I don’t starve on my own. If I only improve enough to take care of my basic needs, I will be thankful.

Illness has taught me my worth is not defined by how much money I make, or what level of degree I have, or what job I have (if any, if ever). I am worthy because I am here, because I exist.

Randomly: I’ve gotten several followers the past few weeks from all over the world–oh, the power of the internet is amazing!

Okay, let’s see. From the 16th-23rd I was having a typical Lyme flare… How is it possible that this pattern hasn’t changed, practically since the time I got it? Is it really THAT predictable? But yes, severe headache and neuropathy issues, and I also recall being more cognitively impaired during then, as well as thirsty–again, all typical. What’s not-so-typical is that I’ve had nasal allergies the past week. I can’t tell if it’s eosinophilia related (hopefully not) or something I’m exposed to in my environment. It’s not like I go outside or even open the windows lately, with it being so cold, but either way, since I’m not allergic to anything except chamomile, this is puzzling! I’m definitely reacting to something–I just don’t know if it’s internal or external. I have Astelin, until I figure out what’s going on.

I felt it’d be okay to restart my stretching routine a couple weeks ago, so every other day I get some exercise! No relapse, yet. I’ve been able to cook a lot lately, also, which is encouraging. It’s still difficult and frustrating because of my muscles and their tendency to fail the day after using them, but hopefully that will improve more soon. If it got worse when I got these infections, surely it will improve as I continue to treat them.

Dare I say that the bartonella eradication is going as planned? The Bactrim is amazing, and I think the bart is.. well, it might be gone, or at least, finally beat into submission?! The protocol is to continue treatment two months past the cessation of symptoms, and I talk to my Lyme specialist next month, so we’ll see what he says. Then I can start Tindamax to finally treat the Lyme! The antibiotics I’m on now treat it, but only very minorly–just enough to keep it from taking over. I’ll be stopping the Rifampin since I can’t take it with Tindamax, but I may stay on a maintanence dose of the Bactrim, since bartonella has a crazy-high rate of relapse, and I do not want to go through this again. I feel I’m probably being unrealistic that I should never face it again, with the way my immune system is, but… For now I’d really like to enjoy my improvement.

Three days ago I started my Zoloft to ward off PMDD and control any outstanding OCD symptoms. I don’t think I was having PMDD yet, but since I was supposed to have taken it again in September, it’s bound to show up soon. My OCD has been flaring and I’ve been hungry all the time, so I know some brain chemicals were out of alignment. I last took it in June, I think, and it was by far too late then!

The past three weeks I’ve had this odd collection of symptoms that fit the description of pelvic floor dysfunction–not saying I have that, but symptom wise, that’s what’s going on. All of my muscles there would randomly tense and were very uncoordinated, no doubt the result of nervous system disruption. :\ I have gotten this on and off over the years, for a day or two at a time, but never three weeks. It’s mostly gone away now. My menses started two days ago so they’re somewhat on schedule again, with every 45 days being my usual. However, if things continue to be.. bizarre, I may see myself going to yet another doctor, so it’s worth keeping track of, yes? I’ve been slightly anemic even before this, and yesterday I had the most random craving for crushed ice (a further sign), so it’s probably no wonder I have been beyond exhausted and out of breath with every move I make. (Anyone else start singing The Police just then? No? Okay.)

A recent study found a correlation between high doses of Vitamin C and a reduction in the rate/increase of heart failure symptoms. Granted it’s just a correlation, but now I feel even greater about taking two tablets per day since last year!

Til next time

a rainbow at night

As of June.

So, my menses began yesterday, and with it usually brings the resolution of my mental crises during months of PMDD. Of course I’m also on my Zoloft, so basically, I’m good now!

It’s amazing how much such a minute chemical imbalance can screw up everything else in your body.

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

Personality Disorder Test
Personality Disorder Information

(For the record, I do have OCD… I think I keep scoring moderate on Narcissism because I don’t like working with others, because I’m convinced they’ll mess it up, haha!)

My Lyme flare should be coming up… If the previous two months are anything to go by, I’ll be 95% bedbound and feeling nearly disconnected from my body from feeling so weak. I really hope that doesn’t happen this month, but if it does, I’ll pet (or stab) my new Lyme disease plush (that two friends bought me, aww!) and keep in mind that I only feel so bad because the buggers are dying. I’m experiencing worse arm weakness today, though I did use them a lot yesterday, I’m seeing a pattern: The middle of the month is worse for it. Which makes sense, since this symptom did get much more extreme when the infections came about. Today and tomorrow might also be a bartonella flare, which would explain me waking up with this terrible headache. I’m unsure, but if my last flare was Friday… If I’m insanely moody and/or start having muscle spasms, we’ll know.

Oh, and Monday we mailed off my bloodwork to IGeneX! In about two weeks I should have the results of that.

And that’s all for now, world! I hope you all are being the best you can, given whatever circumstances effect you.

a rainbow at night

My old nemesis, PMDD!

…I can’t mentally cope with all the things that are happening with XMRV. There are lots of people/blogs dealing with that, so you can visit them, if you want commentary. Just know that I’m not surprised in the least, and right now I think people who ARE surprised have forgotten what kind of a world we live in…

But yes, for the past week I’ve had.. well, first off, NOT a Lyme flare up! :) But, I have been having another type of “flare up,” if you will, of something I’ve dealt with for the past ten years: Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). And no, it’s not just extra-difficult PMS (at least not if you ask me). Sometimes it feels more like a mild form of psychosis (sans hallucinations) than a type of dysphoria. It destroys your perception of what is actually going on around you. It can be strong enough to make you want to commit suicide. It occurs two weeks before menstruation, and then when menstruation begins, the PMDD symptoms go away. For me, I don’t find PMDD to be that similar to PMS, but everyone is different. As far as I’m aware, no one has come up with a way to cure it, yet, or even know what causes it; in 2007 there was talk of a genetic predisposition. There is also a lot of talk about exercise and diet making it better, but diet and exercise make nearly any condition better; it’s not enough to make the difference between suicidal and not suicidal. It sounds to me like the usual “we don’t understand it or think it’s real, so just get outside more and you’ll be okay.” One of my psychology professors in university thought it was just a made-up term for people who wanted more attention.

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (my symptoms in bold)

  • feelings of deep sadness or despair, possible suicide ideation
  • feelings of tension or anxiety
  • increased sensitivity to rejection or criticism
  • panic attacks
  • mood swings, crying
  • lasting irritability or anger, increased interpersonal conflicts; typically sufferers are unaware of the impact they have on those close to them
  • apathy or disinterest in daily activities and relationships
  • difficulty concentrating
  • fatigue
  • food cravings or binge eating
  • hypersomnia, sleeping more than usual; or (in a smaller group of sufferers), insomnia, being unable to sleep
  • feeling overwhelmed or feelings of being out of control
  • increase or decrease in sex drive
  • increased need for emotional closeness

My main fix is Zoloft. (And having M.E., a very, very small dose of Zoloft.) I usually take it for two weeks at a time, every three months, and I haven’t had PMDD in two years because of this; it resets my brain chemistry so it doesn’t fall off kilter whenever a trigger like hormone fluctuations comes along. But after getting all the migraines, having to start Topamax, and being unable to have caffeine, that left only Treximet to treat the migraines that were still popping up, and you cannot take antidepressants with Treximet. So I haven’t been able to take any preventative Zoloft since.. January, while I waited to see how long things would take to stabilize the Migraine part. I’m not frequently getting them anymore, so I started my Zoloft this morning. Within three or four days, I’ll be much better.

Yesterday I had a bartonella flare up on top of all the PMDD madness, so I was a complete emotional wreck. (Fever of 99.5 which was probably a regular 99.2 but your temp elevates slightly before your menses.) Life wasn’t helping. Thankfully, today is here! But last night I decided to take one of those online psychiatric evalutation-type tests that I’ve played with over the years. My results were pretty shocking!

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

Personality Disorder Test
Personality Disorder Information

I know what my usual results are, and they are not that. So, in case you needed a visual of what PMDD (and bartonella) can do, there you go. They can take someone perfectly sane, and turn them into that.

a rainbow at night