I’m listening to the crickets chirp.

It’s one of my favourite things to do at night when it’s very quiet. Perhaps because it reminds me of the peace I had at my own home. I would listen to them every night as I fell asleep, the frogs and the crickets, and every morning I’d be awakened by birds chirping outside my window… Now I get that here, too. It’s one of the perks of summer. :)

 

The past week I decided to take a break from social media, Facebook and Twitter and the like. I still updated a little, but I couldn’t keep up with everyone else. I needed a social break. Also lately, in my social frenzy (I like people and interaction, I really do–don’t let the sick-person thing fool you), I realized I was starting to backslide into giving my very precious energy to people who don’t return that concern. It’s something with which I’ve struggled to maintain balance for years. I suppose, because for a small time I was able to be more social than usual, it caught me by surprise when that was no longer the case. I was reminded just where my energy was going–into relationships that were otherwise a one-way street, just me conversing with people who, for the most part, wouldn’t even bother to check on me if I suddenly disappeared. So I needed to back up and regroup, gather my thoughts and focus on what (and who) is important. It all helped.

And I made two great accomplishments this past week!

 

First, I walked inside a supermarket to do my grocery shopping and did not need any mobility assistance! Secondly, I ate a salad without the autonomic neuropathy screwing over its digestion and causing me severe pain later!

I’ve made several milestones this past year, as far as leaving the house. My first trip into an outside building using only my cane instead of being in my wheelchair–just standing up for those few minutes was amazing. My first minor trip inside a real store without needing a mobility scooter to do my shopping (though still earplugs, and sunglasses)–standing up on my own for more than a few minutes, amazing still. Now I’ve done my own grocery shopping, walking around completely on my own, for what must have been half an hour, with only earplugs. Another step in the right direction. :)

I wasn’t able to drive, or stand in the checkout lane, or put up any groceries, but I’m sure that will come later. The following three days (or, the past three days, I should say) have been spent recovering from that excursion. One with M.E. recovers by doing absolutely nothing. I was fortunate to not have too much of a neurological overload (probably because Lyme & co. are being beaten down?) so I was able to watch DVDs to pass much of the time. I went into rest-mode immediately after we returned, but the main start of the crash occurred roughly 24 hours later, very predictably with my legs. I took extra Co Q-10, and L-carnitine, and magnesium, and made sure I got enough protein, and maintained adequate hydration. After a decade with this disease I’m pretty used to coping with what inevitably occurs after so much activity: the muscle relapse and inability to be upright, from an overworked heart muscle and damaged mitochondria. Without all my supplemental intervention I would definitely NOT be at all functional, yet. But I’ve learned a few tricks or two! ;)

As for the salad, well… I love raw vegetables almost more than cooked ones, and I love fresh salads. But for the past several months, while my nerves have been trying to heal with the help of these antibiotics, I could not eat any raw vegetables (or anything high in fiber, for that matter) lest it trigger a neuropathic “episode” of my digestion basically.. stopping. My body would start to digest and then just.. stop. It’s incredibly painful, and something I’ve dealt with sporadically since first starting treatment to kill these infections, but which progressed pretty far before any substantial bug-eradication could be done. I’m not sure what the exact specific name for it is (I’m assuming something along the lines of gastroparesis, yes?) but it lasts for hours and I have to break out the caffeine to jump-start my nervous system and get things digesting my food again. :\ (Silly vagus nerve, either causing things to do too much or too little.) Needless to say I’ve been avoiding that horrible scenario… Until today. I thought enough time had passed to at least attempt some veggies. So I ate a salad…and everything went as normal! It was amazing. I’m hoping I can get back to my usual pre-neuropathic diet, or at least incorporate more of the things I truly enjoy eating.

 

As far as peripheral neuropathy goes: Much better! I can wear normal clothes again, for instance. And as far as the asthma flare up: My cough is now gone completely. :) My eyes have also been better, hence me being able to watch DVDs a lot. However, I did have a headache flare up last weekend, probably because I always get a flare up (Lyme or Mycoplasma, it’s anyone’s guess at this point) around the start of the month. I also had several days worth of migraine attacks (with horrendous postdrome) because I didn’t realize soon enough that something I was eating repeatedly had sucralose/Splenda in it. Erm… Some number of days ago I had a hive again. Any nick or cut I acquire refuses to clot for a long time, but with being on ibuprofen 2-3 times a day for the past two months, I guess that’s to be expected. My inflammation must be in a down phase, because I only have to take one ibuprofen per day right now. :) Probably because of the more-advanced anti-inflammatory (corticosteroid) I’ve had to take in the form of Dulera… Oh, and the urinaylsis came back normal, but we expected that much, right?

One thing I do wish I could start is my Zoloft, because my OCD is borderline raging recently, from so many months not taking anything for it. I am on so many prescriptions right now that I cannot bear the thought of adding something else. I have never been on so many prescriptions at once in my life! I’m trying to keep in mind that this is just a temporary thing, to help get me through this phase of treatment…

That’s all for now. It was nice to summarize my improvements for a change. :)

 

a rainbow at night

This is an entirely new way of formatting, but…

…it’s the only way for me to get this entry published. I’m basically forcing myself to update. I won’t be making a habit of this, but for now… Purple things about life, black things about health updates (read as: Purple for things that are semi-interesting, black for things that I need to write down lest I forget). Also, some random quotes by me, because, why not.

  • June 5th: I started reading American Gods. (So far I’ve made it to chapter four, I think.)
  • June 6th: I got my bloodwork back, showing that my liver enzymes are perfectly normal, back in their 20s and 30s, thanks to the Liver Chi my LLMD put me on! I’m enthralled. If anyone is having trouble with their liver enzymes, and milk thistle isn’t enough, try this stuff! I’ve been on 2 capsules 2-3 times a day, as per doctors orders.

~*~ Life is like Music. If you combine a few key, simple
elements in the right way, you get beauty.
~*~

  • June 8th: Spent the day listening to music and watching the rain. If you want to know what it sounded like (AND YOU DO), open and play this and this at the same time. Also, decided that one day I will own a professional camera.
  • June 9th: Shaking for most of the day with very visible tremors.

~*~ Acceptance doesn’t mean we sit back, stop fighting, and
give up hope. It means we acknowledge truthfully
where we are and how we feel about it.
~*~

  • June 10th-11th: Muscle fatigue (via M.E.) due to a lot of arm usage in talking/typing to a bunch of amazing people. (It was worth it. ♥) Also very, very sore, with a “I feel like I’ve been run over” type of pain, reminiscent of my fibromyalgia days, but not as severe. I had ordered some very soft clothes that finally arrived, which really helps the burst of peripheral neuropathy I’ve gotten lately. I’m assuming my nerves are trying to heal from whenever these infections had spread to my arms several months back. Fioricet is a HUGE help for neuropathic pain!
  • June 11th: I realized that, over the past.. well, a long time, I can’t remember anymore, but I’ve developed oromandibular dystonia that’s mostly triggered by eating. I hope it is worsening now because of herxing, like my other forms of dystonia did when I began treating bartonella last year, and not because it’s something that’s going to hang around. I have quirks, yes, but it is mainly triggered by me trying to eat and chew, etc. Perhaps there is some kind of sensory trick I can learn to tame it? I have some information about when it may have started thanks to my wonderful tagging system, but I’ll have to sort through that, later.
  • June 12th: My niece made me an acronym poem, something awesome about me for each letter, and left it out for a surprise. Aha. I love being the aunt. ♥ Also, I needed my glasses this day. Most days I am fine and don’t need them indoors, but it was a “blurry-can’t-see-the-tv” day. Does anyone else get that? You just wake up with poor eyesight?
  • June 13th: I felt great, it being a Wednesday and the furthest day from my Thurs-Sun Flagyl pulse. And for the record “great” means being able to breathe when I stand up, and able to walk around. I did some minor cleaning, and even did some laundry!

Yesterday I had my cardiologist appointment. He agrees that the palpitations are probably from the Liver Chi, said to be careful with the ibuprofen since it is also processed by the liver, and to continue getting regular labwork to make sure things stay stable. If anything continues to flare, I should go see him again, but as of now I am good for another five months and I don’t need to repeat any heart function tests until next year. :) He’s sending me to get a urinalysis because I have nocturia that has been worse the past several months. During the day I think I urinate a normal amount, but during the night it gets worse, and we’re not sure why. I also told him about this cough that’s gotten worse the past several weeks, but I forgot what he said! Also, I had the beginnings/continuation of further eye problems, which I want to talk about, more.

My eyes continue to be a bother for me. As I mentioned previously, I’ve been staying in the dark since beginning treatment because it is too painful to be in normal light. Some random days I am okay (like the day it rained, and I was able ot have the window open!) but for the most part, it is me in my dark room with my dim lamp.

As for this recent “episode,” I assume it started on the 12th when I woke up and needed my glasses. Then yesterday, as I was lying on the exam table waiting for the doctor, every time I opened my eyes, the walls were a different colour. Yesteday night, the photophobia started. (I need to make a photophobia tag…) The light from my cellphone, on its lowest setting, was excrutiating. Today it was just as bad.

I have my one window covered completely with layered curtains, and thumbtacks around the edges to keep them completely shut–the only light that enters my room is through the top of them, and I even have a towel over that. Just the few flecks of light that managed to escape through the top of the towel this morning were enough to make me roll back under the blankets in pain. I eventually got up and threw two more towels on it. After several hours in the dark, some ibuprofen, and some coffee, I am much better, hence the typing. According to my tags I’ve had this exact set of symptoms in April of last year (cough included!), and it was when I was (1) on Zithro (read as: Biaxin’s cousin) and (2) having one of my “these are strange symptoms what is going on” phases. So I’m going to assume this is Lyme or Mycoplasma, and just be glad I am on antibiotics to kill both of these beasts. :\ At my next LLMD appointment I want to start A-MYCO from Byron White formulas, too.

…And there we have it!

a rainbow at night

“Pay attention to me, pay attention to how I got this, and how hard it is for me to get my health back, so you can avoid it.”

I was going to make a more drawn-out post explaining why I’m not participating in any of the awareness campaigns of May concerning my illnesses…but then I came upon the realization that I don’t owe anyone justification for my actions! Or wise inactions, as they were.

And I am comforted by the knowledge that many other people with these conditions are feeling the same way I am: For those who can advocate–and I do it at random, it does have its purpose, particularly in our government to let them know we’re still here–that is fine. If it gives you purpose and belonging, then do it. For others like myself, my entire life is an advocacy campaign. I don’t need a month. Or a day. I get 365 days, 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, of “this is what this disease does.”

Pay attention to me, pay attention to how I got this, and how hard it is for me to get my health back, so you can avoid it. Know that I was just like you, once. Know that I didn’t think it could’ve happened to me, either. That’s the biggest advocacy I can do.

Talking about Lyme or M.E. every second of every day for a month (and nothing coming of it, because people who have their minds made up are NOT willing to hear anything else) is not going to help me at all. I am not my disease. I am not Lyme disease, or mycoplasma, or myalgic encephalomyelitis, or autonomic neuropathy, or dystonia.

They’re just things that have passed into my life to help shape and change it into something else. That’s all.

I’ve spent the past decade in advocacy-mode. I’ve done my part, I think. In my absence there will be others. I personally think people learn more if you’re not yelling at them in desperation. I’ve been blessed to help several people find out they had Lyme, for example, and it had nothing to do with advocacy. You can’t force the information on anyone–if they want to know, they will seek. And if they’re interested, I am here.

So instead of advocacy, myself and several, several others I know, are focusing on what makes us feel normal. Sure, our every waking moment may be imposed upon by symptoms and dysfunction, but that is not all we are. No matter how sick I’ve ever gotten, nor how sick I will ever be, there’s always more to me than an illness. This blog is my health diary, yes, that is the POINT of this journal, to track my symptoms and such, but I don’t want anyone to get the idea that it’s all that I am. I have friends and family and pets and hobbies and interests (often obscure ones) just like anyone else. And I am an artist. Not because the title makes me feel important, but because at my core, that’s how I express myself, it’s who I become when my physical limitations allow.

“Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it. Autograph your work with excellence.”

So yes, no posts about my conditions (though I did finish the “What is M.E.?” section a while back). It’s time to cultivate the parts of my life that inspire and enhance, what makes me feel human and normal, not advertise what makes my life a living hell for the other 90% of the day, mostly to people who already know what I go through, anyway. And I’m glad I’m not alone in thinking this.

I’ll leave you with this link: 60 Ways To Make Life Simple Again

a rainbow at night