Okay. Ability scale checkpoint!
Today is a relatively good day, and I would say I am at about 15% physical ability, 20% cognitive ability, and.. somewhere around 10% symptom severity. This is improved from December 13th, when I was at 5% physical ability; the others haven’t changed. I think I owe that to the wheelchair, honestly! Though it was an incredibly difficult step to take because of what it represented, it’s not so hard to deal with now that I have the hope of actually getting out of it, of it being a temporary thing, instead of “this is where I am indefinitely.” I’ve also been smarter with my muscles and am taking Ubiquinol daily, which I know I keep repeating is very useful. Really, anyone with fatigue or weakness (or heart failure) should be on it. Dr. Burrascano even recommends it to people going through Lyme treatment, calling it essential, because these infections infiltrate the mitochondria (Lyme), can destroy our red blood cells (Bartonella and Babesia), and cause exercise intolerance (Babesia). Tie all of those together, and your cells really need some help!
I usually don’t talk about my personal life or activities here but this might be relevant. Yesterday I decided I wanted balloons. Like, with helium? And I’d get some sparklers while I was at it. I had no reason for it, but since I’m getting my new medicine tonight I figured I’d make it because of that. (Yes, I really am the type of person who will go and buy balloons and sparklers “for no reason.”) Maybe I was subconsciously wanting to celebrate? And finally I decided I wanted fresh flowers, too. So today that’s what I’m doing! My mother is taking me out at some point this afternoon and I shall return with said balloons, sparklers, and assorted fresh flowers. :D
…And then I will sparkle and float and be colorful on the last night of my sanity, ha!
The one thing that keeps going through my head is Isaiah 41:10. “Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you…” I just wonder, can He protect me from myself? We’re about to find out. That is my prayer.
It’s not the physical suffering I fear, for I’ve been through a lot and know what to expect; I have a pill for just about everything that could happen. It’s not even that I might start arguments with people because I’ve warned everyone that starting treatment for the bartonella is bound to make me a little nutty. I’ve told-off best friends, thrown bottles at my family, and slung chairs across the room; I’m pretty sure it’s obvious when I’m not myself and that anything is possible. But what I do fear, is what’s going to happen to me, mentally, that I won’t be able to control. I’ve had the displeasure of realizing that the Zoloft I take for the OCD and PMDD, does not matter when I am having a bartonella flare, so how can it make a difference when I’m having a bartonella herx? I just don’t want to get to the point where I am so out of my head that I start staring at my box of medications, and thinking… I usually try to stay around someone else in the house when I’m having a dissociative episode, to remind me that I am actually awake and not dreaming, or whatever else I might be thinking during a bad flare or herx, but how do you stay around people when you also run the risk of being verbally abusive?! We’ll just have to see what happens, I suppose. Maybe it will be easier than I’m predicting, somehow.
I’m also concerned about what it will do with my other symptoms. Once the bartonella is subdued, will Babesia symptoms come out? Will the Lyme disease further show itself? Could I have another problem with candida overgrowth (or a worse yeast, such as c. difficile) and have to stop treatment prematurely, ending up in the hospital again? Or will I end up in the hospital from the herx itself? [Edit: Yeah, I did.] These are all things that run through my mind…but I don’t focus on them because they’re out of my control; what really needs my attention is what I can do. It doesn’t mean I don’t think of them, though!
Did you know C. S. Lewis (“The Screwtape Letters,” “The Chronicles of Narnia”) had Trench fever? That’s what they call infections caused by the bartonella quintana species, which is at least one species I have. Also, I had no idea pain on moving the eyeballs was a symptom of it: Now it finally makes sense as to why I have that so much. I could never figure out what’s causing it! I even contemplated posting about it, but it’s an awfully odd symptom, no?
I’m not sure how much I’ll be updating when I start treatment. I figure either I’ll do it a lot to keep myself sane or.. not a lot, to save my poor arms. If last time if anything to go by, it took a week or two before the severe headaches caught up with me (but I already have those?!) and then about a month before the exhaustive weakness settled in from all the toxins. )))): I wasn’t on my olive leaf extract at first, though, so hopefully being on it this time will mean less of that!
My symptoms lately… I can’t think of anything out-of-the-ordinary to report. I’ve just been getting a lot of rest since my last outing. And I mean real rest, not pseudo-rest. Oh, but my short term memory is having another dry spell… Which is possibly why I can’t remember much about my symptoms! Aha. OH, but I did think it was October for a full day! I wished my friend a happy anniversary, but I couldn’t figure out why her January anniversay was suddenly in October… So I finally just asked, and she reported to me that, it is January! Why, of course it is, I knew that…
All of 2010, I thought it was 2011. Now 2011 is finally here and I think it’s October 2010 — my goodness! Part of me wonders how long I would have thought it was October had she not said anything! (It didn’t help that the weather was very much like Autumn…)
♥ a rainbow at night