I always said I’d do this one day. Post a picture of all the medicine I have, about a third of which I must take every day; a third of which are as-needed/to save me from worse things; and a third of which I take several times per week depending on symptoms. But I never did, and getting to the bottom of why is almost more of a journey than I’m prepared to write about. I still feel ashamed.
I feel ashamed that I need so many medications while the majority of people in my age bracket might take one or two, or maybe none at all.
I feel scared at the reality that if you were to take them all away from me, I would crumble, my body becoming a non-functioning mess, encompassed by disease before it slowly withered away; it’s painful to be reminded of how much I need them.
I feel resentment at myself, because a little part of me thinks that posting this only sends the message, Hey, look at all this medicine I take, I must be really bad off if I need all this medicine, doesn’t this make me seem attention-seeking, and that it will attract a more vicious crowd. Because that’s not what this is about and “sick” is not all that I am by a long-shot…
But it’s impossible to separate yourself from what is–a human being living with chronic disease–when every three hours you have to remember to pop one of these pills, “or else.”
I feel anger, and guilt, and any other number of emotions, after constantly being told, “You can’t possibly need that many pills. I don’t like taking pills because they have side effects and they might cause something else to happen; I just don’t know how you take all of that!”
Well, it must be nice to have that choice of whether or not you get to take something, because not everyone has that. I certainly don’t. Not if I want to function or be able to do anything at all, like breathe or eat or walk, on a good day; not if I want to give myself the best chance at having a “normal” life, one that will never, ever be normal anyway.
These are all of my current prescriptions. There are twenty-five of them here, that are still useful and/or necessary. These are excluding the ones I’ve taken in the past but no longer need, such as Nasonex, Ambien, Doxycycline, Sporanox, Nizoral, et cetera…
This, after years of dwindling them down to the ones that genuinely do something.
The main reason I remember wanting to do this, was specifically because I had a problem with it, and I don’t like anything holding power over me. I didn’t want to show anyone this post. Sure, when my family and friends visit, they see the eight or so bottles I have stacked on top of my bedside table. And they see me grab a bottle or two in the middle of our conversations, either because it’s time for another dose of something, or symptoms have arisen. But it’s easy to allow those very close to you to see what you go through. It’s something else entirely to disclose it to the world and expose yourself to scrutiny. But…
This is the pharmaceutical side of having myalgic encephalomyelitis, a disabling neuroimmune disease that has no cure, only symptom-based management.
This is what it’s really like having chronic, late stage Lyme disease, and bartonellosis, two potentially-fatal bacterial infections of the nervous system that may persist after months, or, in many cases, years of attempted treatment.
And this is the shame resulting from years of subtle and not-so-subtle messages from society, friends, even family members, that say, “Be quiet about your disease, lest you make the rest of us uncomfortable.”
People need to know all that these diseases can do, not just the side that makes the newspapers because someone “miraculously recovered.” Pardon me if I don’t want to be quiet about it anymore.
♥ a rainbow at night