Well! I bet you are as surprised as I am to be seeing another post on this account after I assured everyone I would no longer be writing here. But the thing about concrete is, sometimes it has to be demolished when you need to lay a stronger foundation for better things. And that’s what we’re looking at here, in many ways. I should have–I needed to–make this post literally months ago, but PTSD doesn’t just “play nice” because you suddenly need to make something happen!
Because of the difficult things I wrote about in my last post, I had a huge mental block telling me I didn’t deserve to ask for anyone’s help. This block was further cemented by the unfounded belief that, well, there are perhaps millions of people in my situation, so what makes me think I’m deserving of help at all, much less while they continue to suffer?
But not only is that another manifestation of survivor’s guilt, it’s another version of something else I was always told, which was, “There are people being abused so much worse than you, you think what you went through was bad?” Only now, I can argue back against those gaslighting tactics. Now, I know that I was only told it “wasn’t that bad” because
- that’s what all abusers tell their victims, no matter what, and
- it’s a control tactic used to prevent you from leaving, to prevent you from seeking help, and to prevent you from drawing negative attention to the person who actually deserves it: the abuser.
Most significantly, I can finally stand in my truth and state in my own defense:
If you’re being abused so horrendously, for so many years, that your own psyche starts to split into different parts and versions against your will just to survive your situation, then yes, yes it really was “that bad.”
What I need help with is paying for the costs of having to immediately pack up and move to an undisclosed location for my safety, completely on my own, without any help from anyone, after being isolated and controlled and abused for years by the very people who made me believe they were helping me.
It had to be done, but due to multi-faceted financial abuse on top of everything else (the number one reason victims can’t escape), I am currently in a financial hole I simply CANNOT dig myself out of without help. The crux of the matter is, I really don’t need much, but without this little bit of help, I will be barely surviving for the next 5-6 YEARS at the bare minimum, even if nothing else were to go wrong within that entire time frame… And we all know things don’t work that way!
Literally throughout my entire life, I’ve been outright harmed or threatened with harm for even acknowledging non-verbally that abuse was occurring. To do what I’ve been doing lately, actually speaking out loud? I’m undoing decades of brainwashing to make these statements, and even though I wish I could’ve completed this sooner, thereby getting assistance sooner, I have nothing but compassion for my brain’s dilemma in trying to overcome this. The Universe has helped me realize that asking for help actually doesn’t take away from others getting the help they deserve. God and His angels have helped me see that it’s okay to tell the truth about what I’ve been through, because not only will it help me heal, but it will help validate the struggles of other survivors and remind them that they, too, are allowed to speak. We’ve spent too long waiting for permission.
I understand that not everyone is going to be able to contribute, but when I did the math, I found that if everyone who follows my accounts donated even $3, I could meet my goal. Yes, seriously. That is IT. So before you decide that what you have left to donate isn’t enough to make a difference to me, please consider that. You just have to believe that what you have to offer, actually matters. Because it does.
And no matter what, please share the fundraiser link above, for two reasons:
(1) I don’t use a personal Facebook, because my abusers and their disgusting web of lies is all on show there. To see the same people who have tortured me and others, going online pretending to be kind and typing things like “hugs” and “smiles” to poor unsuspecting good people, just makes my skin crawl like nothing else. But GoFundMe says “Sharing your GoFundMe on Facebook can increase donations by 350%” so if you could please share it to yours on my behalf, that’d be wonderful. It’ll especially help me reach those who want to help support someone like me today, on May 12th, International Awareness Day for Chronic Immunological and Neurological Diseases. I know I’m not some organization, but I’m a real person with a real problem who also happens to have a very real solution. I will be directly benefiting from any donation!
Just by itself, even if you excluded all my other conditions, M.E. is an extremely disabling disease that has been proven time and time again to have the lowest quality of life of almost any chronic illness: “…[A]pproximately 15 times worse than cancer and two times worse than having a stroke,” a fact that I would never have believed possible if I hadn’t been struck with it myself. Frankly, that I got out at all is already its own miracle. But additionally,
(2) Your sharing this might put it across the path of someone else struggling silently in an abusive situation, inspiring them to keep fighting for their own freedom, or even just to put a name to what they’ve experienced.
There’s much more detail at the official fundraiser link if you want it, where I tried to explain things to all the people who haven’t been following my accounts for almost a decade.
If you’ve ever said to me, “I wish there was something I could do to help you,” this is your chance. Thank you if all you can do for now is read this, thank you endlessly if you donated any amount at all to help me restore my life, and no matter what, please, please, please share the fundraiser link: gofundme.com/kitwillthrive
— Kit (will thrive!)